I want to be happy

I'm darn frustrated with myself right now.

I can't wait for it to end.
Almost 3 months, others from other teams are already on their own, while I'm still at that stage?
Sometimes, his mindset just crosses mine. Sometimes, we're like best buddies.
When we say we're not biased, sometimes we actually are.
It's a dog-eat-dog world.
I'm at the bottom of the food chain.
I'm pissed that my dad is owing us two months' worth of money.
Dad is preventing me from being financially comfortable.
And of course, my aunt is nagging at me.
My gate still has the paint marks from the loanshark's doing.
It's an eye sore.
The town council has not even removed it from the floor when they say will. When?
All say, but there's no action.
This special "event" opened my eyes to see the reality of the situation in my homeland.
I wish I'm not bounded by my occupation to compromise my freedom of speech and choice.
The house's refrigerator has broken down at this timely moment.
Mom has to go to the market almost every day just to cook fresh food.
She is tired. I wish she doesn't have to go through this. She does not deserve this.
Tears are welling up.
I worry for my sisters, their education and their upbringing.
Where the hell is our father?
I'm tired of educating the public on road safety.
Everyone's damn complacent, in almost every aspect in our lives.
IPPT is coming, and I'm either lazy or too tired to train up.
There's no motivation in me, just "work, work, work" in my mind
I wish to put God and family before work and myself.
Then of course, there's her.
I can never find that courage. Why?
She will never see me.
I miss her.

So many things on my little mind and heart. I just pray that You, oh God, if it's Your will, take away, or at least, lessen the burden I have in me. Help me understand that the trials I'm going through are just to make me a stronger person. Also, quieten down my heart. Make me less an angry person, full of fury whenever something small sparks the temper.

Sigh. ):

UML

I swear, that if I ever catch a loanshark or his runner red-handed, I will fuck him before placing him in handcuffs.

He has caused fear in my family. Not me, but my two sisters and my mom.

Ever since I've shifted in, there were already two other cases at the staircases. 1st, 11th floor. 2nd, 2nd floor. Now, my turn?! WTH. I swear, I will really hurt them.

Just they wait.

(:

It was a tiring Sunday, but I was so happy in the morning. (:

Though that time was short, it was just (:

(:

Happy birthday, you! (:

Close call

I had my first pursuit early this morning. It was terrifying. The guy was so desperate, so was I. Both of us nearly lost our lives. Speeds over 170km/h, weaving in and out of light traffic, beating eight traffic lights, two of which had cars crossing past. Yes, he got away from me. But I do hope to see him again, this time, dead, or dying. Then I can at least see him, smile and say, "I've got you. No, you've got yourself."

Urgh. After I abandoned the pursuit, on the way back to RB point, I self-skidded at Serangoon Central due to sand on the road. The moment my rear tyre fish-tailed, I thought to myself "This is it. Shit." I tried regaining control, but still, I lost it. And down I went. Thankfully to God, I only suffered minor abrasion to my left elbow. Left boot was scratched. My bike's crashbars were scratched too.

Ah well, the whole incident just left me speechless. It had got me thinking a lot too. I've made minor mistakes which could have turned into major ones. From this whole incident, I've learnt my mistakes. And with God's will, I will not do them again.

God help me.

22 year old and counting

Thank you all for the wonderful wishes!

117 coming from Facebook.
12 coming via SMS.

Really shows how useful Facebook is in our lives. Lol. I'm amazed at someone who really remembered my birthday and wished me by SMS first, and then Facebook again at night. It really made my day. (:

The number of candles on my cake are increasing (Or rather, the number it represents). It will never decrease. I will never become younger again. Hm. Sets me thinking.

The recent Japan catastrophe really affected me quite a bit. Seeing how, with God's creation, He can destroy everything man had built for years, in a few minutes. The sheer power of God, or rather us humans, being helpless and weak, makes me want to beg for forgiveness on behalf of everyone in the world. Yes, Singapore may not have been affected by the recent disasters. But, you will never know, when will it be our turn? When will be the time God decides to end the world in a single disaster. You will never know.

So yes, we should always tell the ones we love, that we do, every single time and opportunity you get to do so. Hmmm.

Anyway! I need to get a motorbike soon! I can't live on my car alone. It's really a hassle if I've to take the bus all the time to work whenever I can't use the car due to it being an OPC. And I'm pretty sure bus services stop after midnight, most of it do. So, lesson learnt. If you've an OPC, you need a transport bike!

Converting my OPC to a normal car is not worth it. I've calculated. The difference in costs of road tax, insurance, fuel usage and eventually servicing fees, will definitely be more than an OPC's, more than owning a motorcycle. So yes, since I've a Class 2 licence. Why not. Shall save up a bit more to get a decent bike.

Goodnight people, happy birthday to myself.

Job Hazards

Not even a month being a two-wheeler, I've already received my first complaint. Not by a guy, not a girl, but a sexually confused butch with a girly name. Some people just can't admit their mistakes. Years of driving doesn't make you a good driver, butch.

Ah, what the hell. The summon will still go through even with the complaint. My logsheet will protect me. (: That's a $150 fine and 6 demerit points for you. Drive safe, ma'am/sir. HA.

Busy busy me

I'm amazed I'd the time to type this post down.

I've been so busy with work, sometimes I just wished I stayed at my workplace. It even seems like a chore to even make the trip back home. Maybe, it's because I've not taken any leave this year yet. 26th will be my first leave of the year. Can't wait for it. Sigh.

Work has been... tiring, hot, cold, dry and wet. All these I don't care. But it's been great fun, being out on the roads. Everyday is a different day. I get to meet all sorts of people. I can't believe that I get to do the job which I've been wanting to do. At least, in future I can tell my child that I'm or I was a traffic cop, and I'd be proud to do so.

I've attended to three fatal accidents up to date, and the one on Valentine's Day was the first and saddest I've attended to. Shan't say much. Only one thing I've learnt from that is, never wait to tell that special someone that you love him/her. Be it your parents, siblings, boy/girlfriend, husband/wife, friends etc. Hmmm...

Alright, I've not been catching up much with friends lately. I wonder when can I do so. The only problem with patrol life is, it's sucking up my social life away. And I don't want majority of my circle to come from the Force or my Unit.

I gotta sleep now, work tomorrow. See? Zzz.

Stupid

Why didn't I take the opportunity to ask?! ARGH! Tsk. I will never know the outcome until I even open my mouth and ASK!

Stupid, stupid me.

Looking back.

I just read finish all the history of my old blogs and emails I've sent. It's interesting how much things have changed.

Priorities in life change, either gradually or drastically, depending on the situation. I'm amazed how over a few years, things in my life have changed much.

I'm still waiting for the right time to take a step forward. I'm still scared in these things. This, I've not changed. Haha.

What to say?!

Sigh.

The smile on your face.

Makes me happy, secretly happy. (:

Family.

Came back from Ignatius' 21st birthday party at his place. Had a great time, with the occasional stoning into blank space.

Seeing his family, together with Agnes, Amelia and Zona, and his other cousins, to celebrate his 21st birthday, makes me feel envious. I wished I had a bigger family. My own immediate family is not even complete, without a father. I wished my cousins, aunts and uncles were in Singapore, instead of being thousands of kilometres away. ):

Family is always important. I still wondered why I'd chosen my career over my family. Stupid me.

Ah well, shan't dwell too much on it. Ignatius is a very lucky boy, or rather, man. Haha.

Need to sleep early now, have church in a few hours' time. And my family is still not back. Sigh. Goodnight.

OH YES, HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY TO EDWIN AND IGNATIUS! Not like you both will read this, but yea, for the records. Haha.

This very day.

Had off-road riding today. Rode the Police scramblers. Performed quite well in the mud bath. Received the bad news from my cousin and my sister.

Lolo (grandpa) just passed away this morning. I tried to fight back my emotions while driving the van back to Old PA. I tried to hold back the tears while washing the bikes. When I got back into the car, that was it. Gave mom a call when I reached home, and she told me about what happened.

I've never, ever felt so much emotional pain in my life. Maybe once before. But, I hate that feeling. I really lost someone I've loved. Thousands of kilometres apart, yet I love him. My only grandfather. The man, whom I chose my career over for. I feel so regretful.

But every single day during the riding course, I keep telling myself, this is for him, this is for him. I will perform well, and make this a stepping stone succeeding in my career.

Why did I do that? ):

I can only promise myself to return back there by this year to see the rest, to visit his tomb. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

):

May God grant him eternal rest in His Kingdom, rest in peace, lolo. Amen.

Egg-citing day.

Had an action-packed day today during beat training. But under OSA, I can't reveal just like that. Zzz. But I've learnt quite a lot today. (:

Just had a haircut at Snip Avenue for $2.80. Bloody cheap. They cut well too. Just that they don't know how to clean up. I went home with little hair everywhere on my upper body. =/ Luckily it's just a few blocks away from home.

BURRRP! :D Enjoyed the omelette I just cooked. Hahaha. Goodnight everybody.

Home Alone 2.

Sigh. This feels miserable.

Going home, only to find the house empty. Doing things all by myself. I can't help but just switch on the TV, just for the house to have some noise. I miss my mama and sisters. ):

I'm having difficulties deciding what to eat/cook for my meals. It's very frustrating. =/

Hm, beat training again tomorrow. JIA YOUUU!

Should I take the initiative to step forward? No? I'm a coward. Sigh.

Home Alone?

Back from Beat Training. Woots. Uber fun and yet scary.

Achieved my personal records. Speed clocked on straight road (dry): 158km/h. Speed clocked while cornering (lean-in): 101km/h. Speed clocked on straight road (wet): 132km/h. Speed clocked squeezing through traffic (wet): 110km/h. Speed clocked before e-braking: 103km/h.

OMG. My mother knows this, she'll kill me! o.O Personally, I felt very, very scared while cornering, riding in the wet, as well as high speed e-braking. In my mind, I was calling out to God to protect me. And thank God, nothing happened to me! (: We went to LCK Road today to clock our fastest speed. Sadly, there were some traffic, so I could only clock 149km/h. It was only later in the afternoon at SLE where I clocked 158km/h.

It amazes me how stupid some Singaporean drivers are. Despite driving or riding a Police vehicle with blinkers and lights on, they will still cut into our lanes, or refuse to give way. Only when we tap the horn or on the sirens, then they do. But I love giving the glare at people when they do stupid things. :D

Hm, now I'm home, alone. Mother and sisters away. I hope they're enjoying themselves in the Philippines. ): I've to do some housework now, if I want to enjoy my weekend! BYE~

Lamb of God.

Lamb of God, offered for us (Lamb of God, for us)
You take away the sins of the world (You have saved the sinful world)
Have mercy on us (Have mercy on us)
Have mercy, have mercy on us (Lamb of God)


Bread of Life, broken for us (Bread of Life, for us)
You take away the sins of the world (You have saved the sinful world)
Have mercy on us (Have mercy on us)
Have mercy, have mercy on us (Bread of Life)


Jesus Christ, risen for us (Jesus Christ, for us)
You take away the sins of the world (You have saved the sinful world)
Oh grant us peace (Oh grant us peace)
Oh grant us lasting peace (Lasting peace)
Lamb of God


Totally in love with this piece. (:

Feelings.

Tomorrow is Theory Test, which includes Basic Theory and Police Driving School's Motorcycle Riding Theory. Passing mark is 40. Wednesday is Nursery Practical Test. I really hope, with God's help, I could pass them with flying colours. The two tests determines whether I'll get my official Class 2 licence. Only at the end of the course will I be a qualified Class 2 (Intermediete) licence rider.

The past week was so tiring for me. Monday to Friday, 8am to 5pm. Under the hot sun, together with the occasional downpour. No wonder I've fallen ill. ):

Hm, mother and sisters are flying off to the Philippines this Wednesday. It breaks my heart knowing that I may not be able to see my grandfather again. ): When can I ever go back? I hope God will give him the strength to endure through a few more years, and also lessen the pain that he's bearing.

Okay, so far all negative feelings. =/ Hm, what's there to be happy about actually? Come to think of it, nothing, at this point of time.

There is a bike I want, which I feel is suitable for me, knowing briefly the characteristics. But it being a 1000cc bike, I'm not sure whether I can handle its power, nor cost of maintanance. She's a beauty actually, without many people realising it. I get to see it every weekend, going past me so close. But yet, I know it's not mine. Come to think of it, owning it is merely a fantasy, a dream which I hope God can help make it come true. I'm not talking about a bike.

And it makes my heart want to sing!

(:

OMG.

I've never expected the bike to be so heavy. Overloaded with crash bars, side boxes, siren, blinkers and more. This is the first time I've ever fell off a bike, luckily stationary. I really do hope to pass my Class 2 (I), as I've decided to not go for the trip back to Philippines to see my relatives, especially my grandfather. ):

So for the next 20 days or so, I'll be suffering under the hot sun, rain, in my armoured jacket and pants, using all my strength to control the bike, to wash the bike, to pick up the bike when it falls and more! Gah. It better be worth it!

Time to eat breakfast!

Radio Check

Tango Zero Niner Fiver Six Two, to Tango Papa, Ten-Niner!

Happy new year 2011 to everybody! Going for my Class 2 (Intermediete) course in two hours' time. Finally, my dream's coming true.

Maybe I'll update more of my blog than Facebook often. Maybe.